enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary
"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh
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God I suck.
OK. This is going to be a quickie. In a nutshell, I am a bitch. I am being mean to my mother.
Only I can't decide if I am really being mean or just honest. I'm starting to realize that the fact that I am constantly wracked with guilt over everything is a result of my upbringing of English-style suppression.
My mother is like a doe in the headlights though, which is what makes me equal parts angry and equivocal/sorry. Right now, I feel angry; the next minute I'll feel guilty and sad.
I'm particularly tired of playing the victim, or being told to play one with my disrespectful grandfather. And being made to feel guilty over things in my mother's life that I can't control. My mother likes to roll over and play dead. I do not.
Sure, yes, I've rolled over and played dead often myself. That's what I did--much to my everlasting suffering, apparently--with my Ph.D. thesis and my wrong, wrong, wrong supervisor.
But lessons come the hard way sometimes, and I am only now realizing that I have to take a stand and not falter in the deluge of guilt that follows. It's the only way that I can get strong and stay strong forever.
Nothing feels as terrible as fighting with my mother, though. She trained me well as a caretaker...and a...guilty child.
Sigh.
|7:11 p.m. - 2006-10-31
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Come al solito - 2011-04-16 unfettered spending - 2011-04-15 How does it go? - 2011-04-14 Whirlwind. - 2011-04-13 bleak that flips over to daffodil - 2011-04-08 |