enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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It was actually snowing today--big, wet, sloppy flakes. Eek--not before Hallowe'en!

C. just left. I must sleep and prepare to wake for work. (The links from Thanksgiving are finally working. My hair in the pictures is still artificially dark. I especially like this one of C. and I before biking. (PS: I always seem to have pictures taken when I am looking rough...I usually comb my hair! Well, not really; I should definitely try harder to look nice when not at work. At Thanksgiving I had just jumped out of the shower after biking all afternoon through the Gatineau Hills...which is why my hair is still stuck to my forehead. Such a lady. :)

I have to admit that it was tough to see C. go tonight. We were starting to get back into that rhythm we had when we lived together in Montreal. Mostly he tries to organize my life, I try to toss all such administrative things aside, and, of course, we end up meeting in the middle.

There are two problems in my current situation: my job insecurity and the fact that I rely on C. for my emotional nurturing. He relies on me for the same. In the end this is no good because this prevents us from looking outside of our friendship for like nurturing that stems from a more complete pairing. It's a shelter from the storm. But sooner or later one needs to grow up; I am not so good at this.

I'm going to make a cup of lemon ginger tea, look at the cool maps in A History of G0d, and try to ease my anxiety to a point at which I am not holding my breath. (It is not C.'s departure that has caused this anxiety; I noticed that I was holding my breath whilst on the phone with my Vancouver colleague on Wednesday.)

There are a few other things about which I could write--like that the history professor from the summer has invited me to a lecture this week--but that will have to wait until tomorrow.

It shouldn't be so difficult to smile, and put one foot in front of the other. Sure, I may be jobless in January...but I just have to be patient and everything will work out as it is meant to. :) You'd think by now I'd know how these things work. Impermanence in a job is a little worry; illness or other such loss would be a big one. This year has worked out well--I found out that I did not have cancer and I am in a job that I like that has a good chance of being secured (provided that the conservative gov't holds off on doing any more nasty job freezing or budget slashing...and provided that my boss is dealing in good faith).

Why do I worry so much?? Worry is so uselessly unproductive. I was in the hills on my bike with C. yesterday and I breathed deeply of the cool autumn air over the big, green lake and everything was just as it should be in the world.

It's such a curious thing that even when I am tired and my head is relatively full with other thoughts I come to this place and exactly the same thing as usual spills out. This little diary seems to be a little bit like a phone call to my mother when I'm on the brink of tears---the exact preoccupying thing, the precise punctum of my current fear or misery jerks to the surface. I think it might be time for a yoga tape. I've never found much success with this method--I'm too tense even for yoga, believe it or not--but even a little bit of success is better than none.

11:49 p.m. - 2006-10-22

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