enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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When I left work I could only be bothered to change into my bike tights and not out of my dress shirt and fitted cardigan. As a result I look like a penguin.

When I was a little girl I ate so many carrots that I turned yellow.

True story.

I'm telling you this now because my stomach is aching horribly and I suspect it is the simple result of having eaten a bag of mini carrots upon my arrival home from work. I was computing and distracted at the time, so although a few of them tasted not great I continued to eat them. Not a good idea. I'll cross my fingers that this doesn't turn into some sort of a bacterial thing.

Unpleasant. Sorry!

A friend of mine once noted that when you are single and work full-time you often land at home at night eating ingredients rather than meals. Sad but true. I try to cook, mostly. But the last couple of days I've been distracted and uninterested in exerting the effort. I'm sliding down that slippery slope.

I was on the phone with the Vancouver guy today until nearly six. I'm starting to worry that he's enjoying speaking with me too much, though I can't imagine why that would be. Too, the senior researcher in the window office across from me commented that I was working hard--the last one in and the last one out--and that people in government usually don't work that way.

And then, get this, I actually said the following:

"Um. I don't have anywhere to go. I don't have a family and I'm not married or anything."

!!!!!

What is wrong with me!?

I'm becoming a sad sack.

Today was weird, actually. A girl in my unit who is finishing a Ph.D. at Oxford returned from England. I think she is lovely, although I don't know her well. But I'm insanely jealous of what she's doing. I loathe myself for not having my act together and my confidence together enough to plan something like that when I was younger. I would have loved that. Is it too late? Am I too old?

Probably.

Sucks to be me.

I don't want to go into the details of how insecure I feel about my job, but frankly very insecure. It's that two-year detour away from empirical research that is making me feel...DUMB.

I struggled with a macro for most of the morning, though I did eventually get it installed and running beautifully. I tell myself that in general I have good intuition and work more carefully than others so I often make up for lack of technical finesse with these attributes.

OH! Speaking of being a sad sack! We had a little coffee get-together for the returning woman this morning, during which again I made some pathetic remark about wanting a dog but waiting because my life is too unstable. And then I made a joke about turtles, was told that they are actually relatively high-maintenance and...received a low-maintenance plastic one on wheels after lunch. :)

Funny.

I'm such a sad case. :)

Yeah. So, in a nutshell, I'm running scared at work. A little. But que sera sera. Really, I believe that.

What else? I decided that instead of risk--as usual-- being doored in the rush hour traffic on the thoroughfare that I usually take through Chinatown on my bike on the way home, I'd follow the bike path along the river. I quickly discovered that this meanders and meanders and meanders, and so takes longer. At the same time, it was GORGEOUS. The air was still, the colours--at least the yellows--still vibrant, and the water a mix of glassy pewter and dark trance-like eddies. Very pretty. I took the pass under the national library to the path below the cliff-face atop which sits Parliament, over to the canal along which I live.

It was rather exceptionally nice--particularly the view of sunset over the river below Parliament and over the National Gallery, although I had a little mini-race up the steep incline to Wellington St. with a dumb-ass man who of course--testosterone-driven and all-- thought he had to pass me. Never a good idea with a woman who is fitter than you are, mate. Seriously though, when will I ever learn to just let them go? (I'm slightly worried that I'm going to cause one of these sorry fellows to have a heart attack one day. And I'll admit that I actually had to hold my breath as I passed him on the incline, so he wouldn't hear that I was exerting effort too.)

Perhaps the scientist is correct and I am in fact competitive. :) (I argued only self-flagellation, competition with oneself, etc., etc. this weekend.)

OK. Must go and find something to buffer the nasty carrots.

7:39 p.m. - 2006-10-18

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