enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

in which I talk about nothing, again

I was thinking about this entry on the way home from work today, although it is also a little bit inspired by metonym last entry.

I've been thinking a great deal about stress lately.

I occasionally feel stressed about my job. Even more occasionally I feel stressed about not having a child (less so about not having a boyfriend or husband, oddly...perhaps I should go to a sperm bank next year :)). And I definitely feel stressed frequently about letting my only significant, discovered talent--running--fall by the wayside. (Well, I do at least have some artistic talent, but I don't feel that that is as time-limited an interest to explore as perhaps I should...It's amazingly sad to measure out one's days and come up with a finite--and very small--number of artworks that one can still reasonably expect to complete before the onset of decrepitness. But I digress.)

But when I think about my life I realize how ridiculous it is for me to complain. My life obviously doesn't suck in comparison with most others; my life sucks in comparison with my own expectations. I've been over this again and again with C. and he inevitably encourages me to drop my standards. I don't want to drop my standards, and so I must accept the consequences of that.

I have probably written about this before--so please excuse my senility--but I remember my first 5k on the track. I ran 16 minutes. I promptly burst into tears. And then this older woman runner who was marshalling reminded me that if I had run 15 minutes there would not have been much to strive for. I think she snapped her fingers.

I know that this is trite. But I also know that there are things I haven't managed to land--the Foreign Affairs job this year, the big policy job--that should have been mine according to all reason. I know that many objectively less worthy candidates were selected. I know that many things in my life are out of my own control.

But I also know that I can always do better from my end. And it's knowing that there are things that I can actively do on my own to grab new experiences and to improve on my execution of old or ongoing activities that keeps me going. I guess I would add my current philosophy up to one piece of advice: keep trying.

I'm not perfect. I'm not even great. And yet I've managed to achieve one thing for myself of late which is a good one: I've ceased comparing myself with others. If I can retain that approach as a law, as a rule, I'll be fine.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror lately I even feel beautiful, aging skin and all.

***
So now that the sugary bit is done with, I'll mention that I feel absolutely sick to my stomach because I've been sitting at the computer responding to my email and absentmindedly sticking scotch mint after scotch mint into my stupid mouth.

Have I mentioned that I am on a secured network at work so we do not have web access?? I seriously love this. My productivity is phenomenal as a result. Sad to say but I actually need discipline from an external source. There's a certain order to my life, to my day, that I really like at the moment. It's contributing greatly to my peace of mind.

I'll tell you what is depressing me though--this journal. Why the hell can't I think of anything interesting about which to write?

I don't know. I could talk about my paper at work, but it's unpublished information so it's not a great idea. Hmmm...

I'm trying to decide between volunteering at a seniors' home and with a literacy program for kids at the public library. I'd like to do both but then Saturdays and one weeknight would be taken. I'm a bit too weary these days for that. To do both would be nice, though; furthermore there'd be a nice symmetry to my community involvement. Tricky. Neither would really be the best way to meet a husband. ;)

Seriously, I'm joking. But it's also a bit funny that the running club that most interests me right now...is unfortunately a club for women only. I mean, this can be good; but, geez, I'm really going to have to start flogging the grass for setups if my social calendar persists in looking like this.

There's some awfully lively music on the CBC right now and I feel like dancing.

8:21 p.m. - 2006-10-13

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell