enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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the nighttime of my youth

Prologue: I just wrote the lame entry below. One might want to note before reading it that I am practically halluncinating from limited sleep this week. There is no true reason to feel sorry for me. I went out yesterday with this super-interesting scientist from the research labs next door. He researches e-coli. But that is not why he is interesting. He reads. Everything. And I think we're going to be friends and share our rather solitary worlds a little bit from time to time. All is not lost that can't be found.

I'm feeling kind of dark and low today.

There's no true reason for this, so I'll assume it is in part related to hormones.

But if I were to guess at a legitimate proximate cause, it might be one of the following:

1) I'm stressed about my job and so not sleeping well.

2) Stress is stupid and sucks, and, furthermore, I get increasingly upset with myself--and so more stressed--when I try not to stress and fail at that, too.

3) Dating is a bust. All nice guys and a couple will be friends but no one is, ahem, setting my house on fire.

4) As a result of the last thing I lay in bed last night having my first true moment of "Gee, I'm old and I may never have a family." I guess you can say that I have become one of those thirty-something-ticking-biological-clock women into which I've always assumed I'd be masterful enough to avoid morphing. Apparently not. I suspect, too--which is worse--that I am becoming the prototype of a woman whom people pity.

UGHHH.

5) Work was not only stressful but mind-numbing this week, as for the paper that I had due to my boss yesterday I had to produce 100 pages of 10-point tables of results. Good God I thought I was going blind! And mad!

6) Further to 5), I spent three nights this week working. Which expanded my stress. When will I ever learn?

So otherwise life is good. There is no need to feel sad.

Whoops, forgot #7: My hair looks like sh!t. I really wish I hadn't coloured it this summer. Fortunately the colour is not far from my natural colour so you have to look hard to see the roots, but I find it kind of dull. What was I thinking going darker? I have to learn, once and for all, that I like myself just the way that I am. Now I think I'm going to have to get some highlights and lowlights to blend my natural roots into the colour as it grows. And the damage continues!

Stress, too, I think is causing me to lose too much hair. Like I said, my hair has looked like crap lately. (I feel like cutting it all off but that would be a mistake.) It now hardly ever leaves its ponytail.

The one bright light is that my super-C. best wonderful friend is coming up from Montreal for the weekend so I will have a warm shoulder to cry on and more than a few laughs coming my way. We're going to go hiking in the Gatineau Hills either tomorrow or Sunday in order to enjoy the fall colours more fully. We're going to bike and eat copious pumpkin pie, too.

Actually, this weekend is unbelievably busy. The National Championship 10k race is tomorrow afternoon and so my former coach is in town. I'll meet him tomorrow. The guy from school who had a crush on me all year is also in town. On Sunday C. and I will be enjoying a potluck Thanksgiving dinner at the home of some friends. The weather is meant to be good.

Why then do I wish I had simply gone home to cry to my mom and play with the dog...in the woods, by the lake?

I become more and more pathetic as I age.

I shouldn't mention this--it only deepens my misery at openly being me-- but as I was walking my bike the last two blocks to home I passed the cutest little couple and I felt so sad! They were about my age and were pushing a baby in a stroller. Of course I don't believe that a grown woman should ever wear a blue velour tracksuit, especially in public, but still I was...sad.

ACK. I'm sorry. This really isn't interesting. Tell me what I should read. I'm rereading Possession. Because it was there. I need to pick up something more dense, challenging. I need to set my brain on fire.

I've also decided to march my sorry ass over to the volunteer bureau on Tuesday and get myself a feeling of purpose again. I'm thinking the food bank. I also need to sign up for some kind of an arts course, or maybe join a running club.

In truth today it occurred to me that I should pick myself up a coach and make a plan to start competing again. I worry though that doing that means I'm clinging to a past that is comfortable and typically isolating, and thereby giving up on the grand plan that I had to be different, evoke a different me. But at the same time it feels so good. I ran in the dark last night along the canal, only about 10k. I ran hard. And it hurt since I am in my worst shape since '97. I just haven't been training these past few months.

But it would not take long to get fit again. My muscles have memory. And I could likely easily snag a coach here. I'm sort of aching for it. It's the only me that somehow feels good and... worthwhile.

I'm going to go and eat a round of brie and that entire baguette, dammit!

7:00 p.m. - 2006-10-06

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