enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I won't say that I am going to be jobless in January...

I only have a very few moments here. That is enough to say that the bloom is off the rose with respect to my job. I mismanaged the timeline on one of my projects.

OH well.

I've decided that the new me doesn't beat herself up. She simply gets up tomorrow and starts over and so on and so forth.

I'm disappointed in myself but I'm not upset with myself. That's progresss.

So the thing is that the problem arose because my biggest problem in a work/study environment reared its ugly head: fear of authority figures that leads me to avoid them at all costs. I guess I can blame this in part on the ugly Ph.D. supervisory experience that threw me into what I see now as two to three years of self-flagellation and depression (metonym's expression "on my knees," I believe it was, is a propos).

The long and the short of it is that I could have saved myself the last two to three days of work on another project, had I simply approached my boss to discuss the ways in which a guy in the media department was manipulating me. My boss had told me in the beginning that he wanted me to take the lead on the project but I guess I'd heard that and thought he didn't exactly mean that. I thought I had to mediate between his objectives and the needs of a very different department.

SO what makes me a little bit sad in all of this is that my boss has likely now determined that I 1) don't lead well/take the lead well, which I think is in truth not accurate; 2) I failed to pass the test that he had set with another project that I will now be finishing next week, rather than this week under the very loosely thrown out "three week" timeline. The problem with the last piece is that he hadn't communicated at all the linkages of that piece to something else that I am to be doing...something that he decided to do this afternoon.

As I write this I feel like more of a failure. But being a failure is a regular feeling for me and I don't require more of it so I am going to put it aside. I'll catch up and direct the ship from now on. The bright light is that he likes where the Vancouver guy and I are going with the big piece. Not all bad, alhtough I'm not sure as to how much he credits to me.

I've got to stop screwing up.

Time for bed. :)

11:14 p.m. - 2006-09-27

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