enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Sighs all around. Please let me not get sick after the sleeplessness of the last week

I feel like I've been trampled by horses, or dragged behind a cart, or flattened by a falling tree, or had something very large sit on me and refuse to get up.

These sentiments reflect the fact that Hurricane Cynthia visited Ottawa this weekend. She's lovely and energetic and giving, but as any day spent with her is spent with one's voice raised to occasionally drown out hers, three was far too much for me to survive intact.

The last two weeks have been too busy for me. I'm in the process now of begging myself out of most of my engagements for this week. I need time to regroup and reenergize.

This week has been sad. The girl who died, it turns out, died because she was speeding and for some reason was not wearing her seatbelt. She had also just finished her longest run ever just a few hours beforehand, in preparation for her debut at the NYC marathon. All I could think when I heard this is of the fatigue that I used to feel following my weekly long runs during intensive marathon preparation. I was so tired after runs that I often had trouble speaking without slurring my words. The fatigue would last all day. I can only wonder if this sort of fatigue, sadly, contributed to her accident. I wonder if her coach is thinking the same thing; he had accompanied her on that last run. I remember my coach J. and I spending such afternoons in the woods or on the roads within Stanl3y Park. There is a lovely, unspoken communion between people when working in this way towards a shared goal.

Anyhow. The saddest part of all of this is that as I've imagined her all week--seen her wiry body in my head-- and tried to draw something useful from her death, I'm confronted with the fact that even such an acute event cannot prevent me from worrying my trivial worries. If knowledge of a young death can't snap me out of my silly self-absorption, what will?? I'm truly trying to master a saner approach to life, however, so I will give myself credit for my conscious efforts. But only a little.

In other news, I've become quite indifferent to the process and actuality of dating. Every guy with whom I have gone out seems to want to date me again, so that is a lovely compliment and a boost to my confidence. At the same time...I am not feeling any excitement about any of them. I met a lovely guy during the week--insanely accomplished and interesting--but I'm afraid that as hard as I tried I could not muster any attraction to him. I have tried to be attracted to small men but I am afraid that I seem to have drawn the line at small men who are smaller than I am.

I know; the above is insanely superficial of me. My very attractive and average-sized mom, after all, is married to a disabled man who stands slightly below 5'...and who is one of my favourite people in the world. I seem to have a bias in favour of tall, fit men, which makes me feel that I am shallow. I will need, therefore, to change my profile I suppose and put up a decent picture if I hope to attract such men. At the moment my profile is designed to be unintimidating and so doesn't mention any of the features that perhaps are my most objectively and visually attractive. This profile seems to be attracting wonderful, interesting men whom few other women will consider. This is good in a way, I realize. But trying to strike a balance between good and attractive is a better, fairer way to go in the long run. I mean, I've been down the road of dating someone good but by whom I was not very aroused; needless to say that relationship did not end optimally. Sigh.

So it turns out that to my list of shortcomings and failures I can also add online dating. :)

I desperately need a cuppa and some sleep. Chocolate would be good, too; although then I'd be defeated in my attempts at the latter thing in the previous sentence. I need to be exceedingly effective at work tomorrow and so sleep will be required. More interesting stuff tomorrow, I promise.

10:16 p.m. - 2006-09-17

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