enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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as I clinically dissect the process of choosing a relationship, like choosing a shirt colour for the first day of work (laboriously, and still undecided)

I apologize profusely for the lack of depth of my entries. I am using what little writing muscle I have lately for my 'dating' activities. It has been instructive.

I will describe some of these activities, but first I will tell you about my wonderful apartment. I knew it was a good apartment, but what I didn't realize until I arrived and found it freshly painted, with new appliances, and a drawing and a vase of flowers offering me a bienvenue from my landlord, that it is a GREAT apartment.

I will also now tell you something rather embarrassing about my understanding of the apartment from my viewing of it. I occupy the third floor of an old house. The stairs inside the house twist around a couple of times. For some reason, this left me thinking that the bedroom part of the apartment faced south, the kitchen and living room part of the apartment north. My reading nook I thought faced east.

Anyhow. Turn those directions around and you then have the correct orientation of the apartment. The apartment is nestled under the roof, so it is absolutely full of the charm of sloping ceilings and nooks and crannies. Words cannot express how cheerful I find this apartment to be. There is a deep, long skylight built into the sloping roof of my kitchen, directly above my sink. At night I can see the stars. In the morning all I can see is sky, unless I get on my tiptoes, in which case I can see rooftops and treetops.

There is a beautiful little reading nook large enough to contain both this computer table and a comfy armchair. The living room is large enough to be separated out into different areas of focus.

My bedroom is an oasis of calm. I had casually asked the landlord to remove the air conditioning unit. (I am probably one of the few people out there who utterly loathes air con., in every way, even in high, high humidity...poor circulation and limited body fat, I think.) So now, the original ceiling-almost-to-floor window has been replaced in my bedroom. It has the loveliest set of upper panes that are arranged in a sun pattern. The view out is above the houses of the neighbourhood and into the treetops. When I'm lying in bed, therefore, I see light and green. I'm very happy.

The only fly in the ointment pertains to the shower. I will have to change my proclivities somewhat and only bring home short men. :) The shower, built into the eaves, can only accommodate a person slightly taller than my roughly 5' 7" frame. I do like the fact that it is in a separate room from the toilet and vanity, however. That is not common here.

Finally, there is a long passage way in which the aforementioned shower and other facilities sit, so there is nice flow and yet sense of separation between the sleeping and living/working areas.

Very, very happy. There is a little platform (really the fire escape, though not obstructing my view at all) out the window next to my reading nook. My task now is to put a few plants on it, such as will survive this fall. I know; one should not obstruct a fire escape. The window has too pretty a view to the dormer of the house across the ruelle to do that, anyhow. That dormer is prettily adorned with striped white curtains and an adorable little orange cat sits perched on the window sill, watching for the occasional bird. It's all a delight.

I need to get a camera to take photos of the original crystal light fixtures in the stairs that I ascend to my apartment.

Probably most importantly, my apartment is situated in the best place in which to live. It is in a quiet residential area that is orphaned between the major 'hip' artery and a body of water. There is, therefore, no through traffic. Yet, I need only walk five minutes to everything that my little heart could desire.

Meh! This has been a long entry already, and I haven't even touched on dating!

So the crown attorney definitely interests me and he likewise seems very interested. We click. At least we click in writing. I find him tremendously witty, copasetic in every observable way, and therefore...hot. This worries me.

I went on a date with the historian last night and I must say that I was pleasantly surprised. I mean, it was not as if I desired to jump over the table at him, but he was a good guy. He is a good guy. You can tell when someone is genuine, is listening, is giving you the straight goods, yadda yadda. He was also well-mannered and had the most beautiful nose, teeth (stunning teeth), and complexion that I have ever seen on a guy. (Being somewhat nose-challenged myself, this particular item is something that I notice. :)) Sure, he did not have a nice physique, but that is not a huge priority for me. I have physique enough for both of us.

So there was somewhat of an epiphany that occurred during our conversation. I mean, we spoke at length of academic subjects. Actually, the degree to which the conversation was about academic and work issues is somewhat surprising for a first meeting. Hmmm...But then we embarked on a conversation about the pursuit of relationships that I found interesting. I mentioned--as I believe I've repeatedly mentioned here-- that a concern that I've had for a long time is in regard to my passivity in the establishment of relationships. Every boyfriend that I have had--and I kid you not--I dated because he persisted until he had convinced me that I should date him. In each case I thought well of him initially, but was relatively indifferent to pursuing any intimacy. It took time for each of them to build their cases.

So anyhow. I have always considered this inability of mine to actually choose someone or be incredibly enamoured with someone who was concurrently enamoured with me to be a tremendous fault. What this guy suggested, however, is that some women need to be pursued/convinced. He seemed to think that this is a style of being, rather than a fault. I am not sure. I know for sure that the chase thing with me has nothing to do with teasing or requiring validation. Not at all. Often when they are in the process of doing this I am completely repelled, as with my ex-fiance when he ran after the bus on which I was riding. Yes, I kid you not, he did that...and he was wearing a mask at the time. (Incidentally, the bus was on a cross-country green in Japan, so it was moving relatively slowly.) I was incredibly embarrassed by this demonstration.

So my particular epiphany in this experience is that my hesitation and failure to leap at and actively choose men is simply a manifestation of the over-thinking and equivocation that hampers...EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE. Doh!

I leap sometimes, sure. But usually this is in the matter of spending money on a dress or a pair of pants, or with respect to renting an apartment (really just avoidance of the pain of having to do more leg work, usually). So perhaps, indeed, I am a woman who requires convincing. And I could do far, far worse than to get to know this historian better. It may be a false, faint hope that someone will come along who forces my heart into my throat at first meeting. And when I do--or have--felt that, it spelled--or perhaps would spell--disaster. It is a hormonal red herring.

This hormonal red herring thing has me worried about the crown attorney. I strongly suspect from his emails that sparks will fly. But I feel almost as though--if I am correct about this--this potential relationship *fork in the road* is a test: Safe or not? I may, falsely, be equating this with taking a leap into actual maturity...or not.

(Which pretty much completely proves me a fool, for I have no evidence that in spite of being charming and funny and direct, the crown attorney is anything but, too, a good guy. No evidence whatsoever. I pass perfunctory, unhelpful implicit judgments freely, do I not?)

9:21 a.m. - 2006-09-04

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