enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary
"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh
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things to remember
Today I had one of those days on which you stop and think, "I should remember that!"
Oh no, I shouldn't begin there. First, my very (extremely, excessively, like-a-drill-sargeant relentlessly) efficient mother scooped a cancellation--unbeknownst to me--at her oral surgeon's and so I am having my wisdom teeth extracted tomorrow. I mean, I know, I know-- they should have been removed from my mouth ages ago. I even confess that my once-perfect teeth have been moved a bit on the bottom due to the presence of the wisdom teeth and that they will have to be respaced by an orthodontist as a result of it. I did have good reasons at the time for not doing this operation at any earlier date. Really, I did.
Otherwise, my mother and I went out early this morning to help out at the organic farm from which she buys her weekly veggie basket. (I can't wait to be once more in a city in which such a service is available...there was a great delivery service for this in Vancouver, though I can't remember the name; there are probably now several.) I love being on a farm. I have worked on several in my past, and I have often thought of starting my own little organic, heirloom veggie operation one day. For love, not for money. I've also always wanted to have apple orchards, although to make any money at those you have to pesticide your brains out (few people, even those who buy from organic farms apparently--if the farmer today is to be believed--can deal with apples with (gasp) blemishes.
Sometimes I just have to say it: people are so stupid. :)
Anyhow. So can you think of anything more lovely than being out in a beautiful farm, amongst red zinnias and yellow strawflowers, picking fresh chard, radishes, beets, carrots? I really can't. In the morning light everything glows with the golden warmth of straw. Gorgeous.
What made the morning even more special is that I was able to enjoy a special acquaintance that I have with the ninety-year-old farmer. (His daughter-in-law now runs the farm, although he will always 'supervise' it.) He likes to sit in his chair and tell me stories; I love to hear them. The twinkle in his eye when he tells about bush and water piloting "pretty young things" to local lakes with his brother, after the war, makes my heart sing. Today he told me about the wage wars that he undertook with local mill operators when he ran a veneer mill and paid the men and women THE SAME WAGE...in the late 1930s and early 40s.
So many good stories. Of cutting clover too early, of farming with heart. "I don't believe in gambling, other than farming
Anyhow. There was so much more, but I suppose that you can imagine the rest.
I'm feeling a bit lazy today. My ten mile runs on the hills have been tough on my softened quads of late. I took a bike ride up and down the hills this afternoon to a beach on a favourite lake, along deserted roads. It was exquisite. I put my headphones on and rode hands-free for a while to the first few songs of the Ste@ling Be@uty soundtrack. It is possible that I was also singing at the time. :)
What else? Well, I did indeed begin my statistics review. It is going...not badly. I suppose--I know--that the trick is going to be to not expect to relearn everything that I have ever learned about econometrics in two weeks. A review of some core panel data models and some programming routines should be enough (I must tell myself); sort of like putting a fresh varnish on a table or something.
Well, that's my--I know--excessively stimulating banter for today.
Oh no, wait! I have been so irked with the computer scientist and the way that things ended that I wrote him a quick note. He has not replied. The one mystery of the universe that I would like to have explained to me is the following: Why is it that many (some?) men find it reasonable to end a very good correspondence (six weeks of daily letters, of which I will probably even go so far as to save a few) or a serious period of dating (read: my friend's experience with marrying guy last year) with...nothing. I mean, nothing. Not even two sentences to say, "I do not like you any longer. I do not want to date you. Don't bug me." Or anything else, just to say--like a mature adult--this is OVER????
I mean, in this case I realized that he was likely lying to me about something as stupid as his height. He was also holding back some things. I no longer want to date him. But I still feel that I need the closure of knowing what the other person has going on in his or her head. It's absolutely mystifying to me that some people lack the courtesy to 'end' things. Hmmm..
That's the end of my rant today. In a way I think the situation with the guy has been very productive. I have two guys whom I will meet when I get to Ottawa, and my expectations are now so low and easy and breezy that I will undoubtedly have a great time with either or both of them. One is a History Ph.D (I seem to attract these, for some reason) and very, very sweet. The other is a wickedly funny, hot crown attorney. What do I have to lose? I think the order of the day is to go out with a variety of guys-- within reason-- and hopefully through this process get a clear vision of what I would really enjoy having in my life. The key to it all--and this is important--is to not hope or care or feel anything until it becomes truly worthwhile to move in that direction.
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added later
I can't do what the last paragraph suggested. I'm upset about the 'ending' with the computer scientist, still. I know that so many things are pointing towards us not being a good match at all. Still, my irrational heart felt a certain kind of intellectual lust for him that I am finding it tough to quell. I feel very sad that he has not had the kindness to tell me exactly 'what's up'. I really do loathe this situation, more than anything. It makes me feel disposable, which is what pushed me into this deep, low-confidence doldrum of non-dating in the first place. It must be my fault. It must be me. I just can't figure out what is wrong with me???? He told me that he finds me intelligent and very attractive. I haven't been running at him right or left. I'm completely understanding and nice about changes in plans. I'm a completely reasonable person--and I think he knows this--so putting the truth out there would lead to me saying only, "OK. Thank you for your kindness in being honest with me."
ACK. Truly, I just want to cry. This is pointless. How did I get myself into this situation? And I must have surgery tomorrow. I suppose I should be pleased that this will mean that my head will be put out of its misery for at least 20 minutes during the general anaesthetic.
Wish me luck. :)
|5:05 p.m. - 2006-08-22
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Come al solito - 2011-04-16 unfettered spending - 2011-04-15 How does it go? - 2011-04-14 Whirlwind. - 2011-04-13 bleak that flips over to daffodil - 2011-04-08 |