enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I'm not really very grumpy; how can one be grumpy in the beautiful woods?

I'm at my parents' home, watching the two weeks tick by until my job in Ottawa begins. I should be studying statistics. But I am not. I suppose I will be winging it a little. :)

Actually, I've been running a bit. It will take me a while to return to my usual shape, but the humble pie that I am eating with respect to my physical 'invincibility' is undoubtedly good for me. I am actually experiencing tiredness as I run! I am weary when I return! My muscles even ache!

In truth, these things make me feel, just a little, old. I hope that they leave quickly, as I become progressively fitter. (How on earth I ever ran as fast and for as long as I did is an absolute miracle to me now.)

Anyhow. Running seems now to be only the merest of pieces of the puzzle. I've been trying to figure out the next step in the career puzzle. I mean, for now I am definitely going to be an applied research economist in the labour field. That is fixed. The money and continuity of employment/engagement is required. But what next? and when to make a move?

Sigh. I just never know when to do these things. Should I satisfy my ego and do a PhD in History? Or do I take a job, a series of jobs, whatever...find a husband, have a family, be normal?!?

I don't know. There is a definite temptation to be normal. But then there is a strong, strong pull to go off and study every damn thing I've ever wanted to study, including painting. I could move to Paris.

I could also reapply for the diplomatic corps this fall, and under much more favourable conditions.

Well, enough musing for today. For now, I'll just be satisfied that I have a fat paycheque coming in. I'll try not to think of the degree to which it feels like soul prostitution to earn it. Sigh. I suck. And have I mentioned that, as a result of completing my recent program, I am now, too, a librarian? There was a point to it--mobility--but it still embarrasses me immensely. I'd only ever want to be an archivist...but in that, too, I would prefer to be doing conservation and restoration work, or completing research and writing interesting books about the materials contained in the collections. Again, sigh.

Must go. My mother is calling for dinner. As old as I am, that is a pleasant-enough sensation. I feel infinitely lazy, saying that.

7:00 p.m. - 2006-08-19

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