enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

pondering dating crap

Update on my exciting "email dating" life.

I have to admit that it's starting to feel really weird to be having conversations with strangers. I mean, they seem to be nice strangers. But at the same time the approach has started to feel "not classy," which is what prevented me from considering online dating for ages. I'm not sure. I am wondering if I will ever feel comfortable going through with meeting for a date?!?

Not feeling comfortable meeting for a date is especially true of the situation with the first guy (the academic computer scientist). I can't even tell you how many pages of emails we have passed back and forth, but the correspondence has been uniformly of a stellar and exciting quality and I am afraid that I have quite a crush on this guy already. Thinking about this crush I absolutely can't imagine having to face reality. You know-- cold, hard reality in which you feel as though the person will not find you attractive. I worry less about the opposite being true, because I am not in the least bit looks oriented. Looks are, frankly, nearly irrelevant. I have dated skinny guys, fat guys, cute guys, and very plain guys. One of my favourites was actually a short, chain-smoking French Canadian guy who looks a bit wizened and old, but with whom I really clicked intellectually. We look odd together but I have heard that he is still single and I would consider dating him when I am in Ottawa for real. Smart, funny, and good goes pretty much all the way for me.

Otherwise, the situation with the history professor is interesting. I can tell for absolute sure that I would love to be friends with this guy. He understands everything that I write to him and I think I 'get' him. I'd like to know him more, but, as horrible as it is, I think that his activity limitations would be a problem for me. I don't know--do you trade off health against the contents of the mind? Probably a wiser, more mature woman would. But I am still young and I would like to find both: a man who can run and canoe and hike with me and yet still interest me with his words. Perhaps that's shallow and I'll change my views as I get to know this guy better.

On the subject of looks: I wonder to what degree personality over looks rules for (mature) guys, at least in a relationship rather than a 'screw' kind of situation? I do know plenty of guys who have girlfriends who are not conventionally attractive. But you always hear that guys fall in love with their eyes. I do wonder.

The thing is that I really believe that a person's beauty is in their warmth. You can have a pretty face, a nice body, nice clothes, whatever, but if you don't radiate warmth and acceptance--both of yourself and of others--then you're just not attractive. I have found this to frequently be an issue with smart women. I remember women at foreign affairs who were absolutely gorgeous by some objective measures but who were really ugly. Ice princess ugly. They're pulled together and smart and interesting but they have a disdain for others that colours their looks. They rapidly appear plain, even ugly to me. The most beautiful woman in my acquaintance is a naturally pretty girl, but her real beauty creeps up on you as you recognize her gentle, kind nature and her good humour. That is real beauty. And I can't imagine that men are too different from women in seeing life this way, especially after some time in a relationship has elapsed. I mean, I know, I know, lots of people want arm candy. But can many people remain in love with someone who isn't generally loving and warm?

That big spiel was not to at all to say that I think that people will think I'm beautiful when they get to know me. That bit wasn't about me at all. It was just an observation. Of course I wish that I were more attractive and also warmer and more at peace, but I can't force those things to be. I guess, as they say, "there is a lid for every pot."

Why did I write this? I don't know. I guess because I woke up and realized that I am doing something very strange for me and I'm not sure to what end. I doubt I'll feel inclined to follow through on this (although I will, because I think it's only fair to these men who have made the effort with me). I guess I'm not looking forward to having my confidence deflated if/when they do not find me attractive. I tried to undersell myself in this regard, but it is difficult to detach oneself from this concern. Oh well.

10:12 a.m. - 2006-06-28

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell