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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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It's late and I'm dehydrated but too lazy to get up to get a drink of water. Now that is lazy. But I'm not too lazy to think about cutting off my hair. Why are Internet hair sites all populated by scary 90s hair mag images?

Quick one.

So the friend who was insensitive about my leg totally ate humble pie after a gentle nudge. In fact, she was incredibly honest and owned up completely to her shortcoming in this area. I felt that it took courage for her to do this. She has also arranged for vegetarian meals to be available at her party. I have to say, this represents amazing progress in the span of a few days. My friends really are grown up!!

A spontaneous dinner with friends arose after class tonight. Class dismissed early and then we slowly walked downtown from the university (~3 miles). We then sat and ate at a diner that I--literally--haven't been to in fifteen years. The pleasantest part was that it was exactly the same--well except for the addition of a vegetarian menu :)--as I remember it to have been. After dinner we walked across the street to the big, dark city park and lay on the grass in the cooling air, to look up at the stars.


I hesitate to mention this but what the hell: I have to admit that I was far too needy in conversation tonight. Although I talk on the phone every day with C. and this friend or another, and I speak with people in class, I haven't been going out with people at all this semester. After I thought a little bit about how the conversation went tonight I realized that I felt a little sick about it-- like I put too much out there and was too rambling and full of stories.

I have a problem with this: when I'm quiet I feel guilty for not keeping conversation lively and for not drawing everyone out; and when I'm lively and on a roll I feel as though I have a tendency to dominate conversation. Either way, I feel oppressed by myself and by my doubts about the optimal way to behave. In fact, I feel oppressed by the fact that I think that there exists an optimal way to behave.
Basically, I feel creepy and dreadful in my own skin.

It's late, otherwise I would write about the lecture by a book restorer and binder that I attended last night. I know that making paper is not terribly novel. Washing and deacidifying paper, however, just might be.

I'm thirsty. It's very hot--and the diner only had fans and open windows (charming)--and we are apparently experiencing a stagnant weather system in which "pollution from U.S. and Canadian sources" has settled and conspired to produce copious smog. I must say that it doesn't feel measurably smoggy the way it can do, though my throat has been a wee bit sore all day.

I'm about 95% sure that I am going to cut my hair off. I'm tired of my frizzy mop. It neither wants to be straight or curly. The short-haired look is not optimal for me, I know. At the same time, I have the feeling that I will be willing to embrace styling products like never before if I finally have a smaller field upon which to exert effort. Long hair always seems daunting in this regard. This means that I wear a bun or a ponytail every day. So what is the point of having so much hair? (The truth, of course, is that I ache for change. I always regret the decision about two weeks later, but the very slimmest possibility that I might find the haircut of my life helps me to take that leap, every time. Funny, I used to think that way about love. Love is more challenging than is hair.) I'm thinking Gwyn3th P@ltrow in Sl!ding doors, or a chin-length, slightly-tapered bob. I really wish I could do Audr3y H3pburn short but when I do that I always feel excessively boyish. Short hair is definitely my favourite on women who can wear it. There's something about it that just screams sophisticated and confident.

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12:25 a.m. - 2006-05-31

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